Let’s find out about practical steps to help adults facing challenging child behavior.
Set a Goal
It’s good if parents know exactly what the child’s behavior is – unacceptable, threatening, or creating difficulties for himself or herself or those around him or her. Unfortunately, such a situation is rare.
Often adults try to educate their children in everything and at once. They make an endless list of demands on the child: excellent grades, a clean room, and “normal” hairstyles. Someone gets a run in the morning with his mother at the stadium.
With this approach, the only thing guaranteed to the family is resistance and scandals. So before you take on parenting, think, observe. Compare your requests with reality and stop at 1-3 points in the list of requirements, failure to comply with which causes much difficulty for you and the child.
Weigh the Pros and Cons
At this stage we suggest that you think again carefully about how critical and difficult the behavior of the child is that you would like to change. And how the child’s life and yours would change if he starts to behave differently. Don’t forget: he will become obedient in this aspect not only with you but also with everyone else.
Next, learn from books or discuss with a psychologist the natural characteristics of age-related development. Learn about the theory of age crises. You will understand if your child is going through a turning point right now. If so, then perhaps all the observed difficulties in behavior is one of the natural manifestations of age development. You just need to wait it out.
Check the legitimacy of the demands made. Do they not violate the rights of the child? Maybe the child has simply grown up, and he is still treated as a child. In that case, the adults are simply trying to enter someone else’s territory.
Become Sherlock Holmes
Give up emotional shouting and abstract phrases like, “He’s driving me crazy!” All you need here are the facts. Try to talk through exactly what your child is doing that makes him crazy. When does he do it? All the time? Perhaps there have been times when he hasn’t? Get rid of labels and generalizations, describing situations that are difficult for you and the child’s actions in specific words.
Explain to the Child What’s Bothering You
At this stage, three-part “self-statements” can be an indispensable tool. This is the most honest and environmentally friendly way to tell the other person what is happening to you and why he or she isn’t acting the way you would like.
The wording scheme for the statement is as follows: the first part is about you and your feelings – “I’m angry…”, “I’m afraid…”, “I get upset…”. Remember, there is a fundamental difference between the phrases “I’m angry…” and “You made me angry…”. Because you’re the one who’s angry. And the child just decided to dye his hair green without any intention to piss off the adults.
The second part of the statement – the words about the actions of the child that seem difficult. And here it’s important to evaluate the words and actions, but not the qualities of the personality. You should say, “When you listen to music loudly, then…”. But not, “You grew up selfish, so you don’t let me rest…”. It was for the possibility of such specific formulations that you became Sherlocks in the third stage.
The third part is to explain why this behavior is difficult and what you would like in return. For example, like this, “I’m really tired today and I have a headache and want to play at the TonyBet login website this evening. Could you please listen to some music on your headphones?” The effect of these phrases is often so powerful that the situation is resolved without further steps.
Look for a Need
If you have researched the situation well, this step will probably not be a difficult task for you. In fact, you need to find the answer to two simple questions. First: why does the child behave this way – what does he want to get? And what does he get if he persists in this behavior? And the second question: does he know the alternative? That is, does he know a more environmentally friendly way to get what he wants? Is there an opportunity for him to get what he wants in your family that way?
Learn How to Get What You Want in a Different Way
If the child knows that his mother will pay attention to him without tantrums, there will be no need for them. If the recognition of bad grades isn’t a reason for punishment, but an opportunity to get support and together find a way out of the situation, there will be no point in lying about the grades. The task of the parent is to expand the boundaries of the child’s experience, to teach him to achieve his goals in a more comfortable and safe way.
Support, Praise, or Let the Consequences Come
Behavioral change, of course, won’t happen in a minute. You have a long way to go, during which it is important to support and praise every “sprout” of new behavior. And it’s also important to remember that supporting good behavior works four times faster, on average, than punishing difficult behavior.
So don’t be stingy with praise if a child who previously cheated you has become honest. Pay attention to the washed dishes as emotionally as yelling about the mountain of dirty plates.
So what do you do if the difficult behavior doesn’t go away after all? Give the consequences a chance to set in. Unless they pose a threat to the child’s life or health. Didn’t learn his lessons? Fine. You’ll get a “D” tomorrow. Didn’t do the dishes? Fine. We’ll wait for you to wash them – we’ll sit without plates. Remember the needs and reinforcements of difficult behavior, and avoid it.